Students Secretly Injected With Caffinated Vaccines

Students Secretly Injected With Caffinated Vaccines

Banana Shah ’22
Managing Editor

A photo of a student unknowingly being injected with a coffee-infused vaccine to keep them awake.

With the recent developments of the COVID-19 vaccine, different companies have taken varying approaches to the prevention of contracting the virus. While these vaccines may differ by effectiveness or number of shots, Western Reserve Academy took its own spin by adding caffeine. Since teachers have often noticed the drooping of students’ eyes during class, the administration jumped at the chance at a possible solution for the problem. Most students do not get nearly enough sleep, and it shows in the classroom. In order to make up for this fact, they have resorted to increasing their caffeine intake as much as possible, whether it be from coffee, tea, energy drinks—you name it and a student has tried it. 

At the same time, teachers have also poured all their resources into keeping students awake. After thousands of dollars spent on electricity to keep the rooms brighter and uncomfortably cold, nothing seemed to work. Maintenance even tried installing state of the art surround sound systems in order to blast the buildings with ear-splitting music, yet as soon as the clock hit a quarter past 8 a.m. the student body still proceeded to pass out. All hope seemed to be lost, but then, like a ray of sunshine, the COVID vaccine was released, and in the shot, faculty saw not one, but two ways of changing the lives of the scholars of WRA. The only possible downside to the solution was the absence of communication with those receiving the doses: as a result, a small number of people have actually ingested too much caffeine. Symptoms included trouble breathing, chest pains, hallucinations, an irregular heart and uncontrollable muscle movements. However, caffeine overdoses were easily remedied with a laxative. In the end, the positives greatly outweighed these few negatives. The caffeine additive in the COVID-19 vaccines was widely considered a great success. Well done to all involved!

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