George Kagler to Receive New “Platinum Trophy” for Top-Notch Esports Performance

The Athletic Office releases concept art for George Kagler’s new “platinum trophy.”

As the most successful athlete in the history of Western Reserve Academy, George Kagler ’21 has become a household name to all in the WRA community. He gained recognition when he won first place in Super Smash Bros, Ultimate in the High School Esports League during his junior year, and he shows no sign of stopping his gaming rampage. For his laudable performance, George will not only be awarded the most prestigious athletic honor currently available—the Gold Medal—but will have a new, higher award created in his honor, the Kagler Platinum Trophy, which he will receive at Spring Athletic Awards.

“This Platinum Trophy is pretty epic, not gonna lie,” George explained, adding that “it even has my name and face engraved on it.” David Gentile ’21 expressed excitement when he heard that every recipient of the new award in future years will have to see George’s face on it: “I mean, who wouldn’t want to see George’s handsome complexion for the rest of time?”

Some student athletes expressed frustration upon hearing that George would receive a brand new award. “I have played a real sport, a physical sport, since I was five years old,” one anonymous student confided, “and all this nerd does is play a video game for a few hours and he receives a platinum trophy? What an outrage!” A bystander overheard and shouted, “Maybe you’re simply not as athletic and powerful as our hero, George Kagler!” The lacrosse and baseball teams, in retaliation, commented that they are planning to skip athletic awards in protest until George’s trophy is revoked. Nobody else seemed to care.

After careful consideration, the administration also decided (because of a constant email stream from esports coach Mr. Schwartz) that the computer room in the basement of the library where the esport team plays will be renamed the “George Kagler Gaming Center” in his honor. “Maybe if I also get good at Fortnite, they will rename the whole school after me,” George concluded in the end.

Jelly Clown ’21

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