Does Mr Ong Use Shampoo or Body Wash?

Does Mr. Ong Use Shampoo or Body Wash?-Edwin Eggplant

Everyone who has taken a class with Mr. Ong has come away haunted by “the Question”, whether or not they realize it. The Question might hit a student the moment they sit down on the first day of class, during riflery season, or even during sit-down dinner at his table. Most of Mr. Ong’s students are not aware that such a ghastly inquiry lingers in their subconsciousness. Symptoms of the Question may look like procrastination of homework for his class, loss of sleep, and waking up late at night, feeling a sense of looming dread. Some might argue that this is stress resulting from Mr. Ong’s classes. However, the true underlying cause of this distress is the following question:

Does Mr. Ong use body wash or shampoo to wash his head?

While attaining a definitive answer from Mr. Ong has proved challenging, speaking with some of his students has helped to create a few theories about how Mr. Ong deals with this difficult hygienic dilemma. The first thought, of course, would be to ask his relatives; however, as Mrs. Ong notes, “He is incredibly secretive about his methods, to the point where he showers at obscenely late hours to prevent any sane person from finding out.” (This, too, may explain why he responds to student emails sent late at night as well). This leaves three camps of thought: body wash, shampoo, and neither. A member of Team Body Wash, Noah Frato-Sweeney ’20, scoffs at the debate, asserting that “this is an open and shut case, guys! Why use two products when one will do the job?”, leading some to worry that he, too, uses body wash to wash his hair. Conversely, Vivien Marmerstein ’21 is staunchly pro-shampoo, reminding the student body that “he still has hair, you know, it would be really bad to use anything but the intended product up there.” Finally, there is team Neither Option. Elie Aoun ’21, speaking on behalf of this position, laughs at the idea of showering in general: “It’s stupid to question it. Who uses products anyway, when a little splash of water does the trick just fine?”

Dubious hygienic practices aside, this is a WRA mystery that remains, for the moment, unsolved.

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