Admissions Tests

According to newly unredacted memos coming out of the President’s House, Western Reserve Academy will soon see a change to the tests required for admission. Moving away from the traditional Secondary School Admission Test (SSAT), WRA will now ask students specific questions on other topics.

“After seeing such a worrying trend in fire alarm usage, we decided to change the type of student we wanted to see on campus,” said Ms. Biehn, Director of Enrollment. “We think whether or not someone knows how to properly use a microwave is much more important than things like math or reading. And after the debacle with the panini makers, this is more critical than ever.”

Studies show that she may be right. Hawken School tried something similar last year, and it was that success that enabled them to dethrone Western Reserve in the Niche rankings for best private school in Ohio. A representative for Hawken refused to comment for this article on the record, but off the record was able to report vast improvements in the student body.

In addition to the microwave question, prospective students will now be asked about their singing ability in relation to their diversity. “We’re really looking to get more people for the Film Guys videos,” Ms. Forrer from the Communications Department commented in an email. “We kind of just use the same people every time right now.”

Mr. Haller and Mr. Adams-Wall teamed up to add a question about basketball. “Specifically, we want to know whether or not a prospective student is nationally ranked,” Mr. Adams-Wall said. “Mainly for the publicity our school is getting from publications like the ‘Northeast Ohio HS Sports’ Twitter account.”

Other potential questions being floated include whether or not the prospective student would eagerly participate in cheering for Mrs. Buck’s announcements. Noticing a “distinct lack in enthusiasm,” Mrs. Buck is looking to drum up support in the incoming freshman class. “In four year’s time, I want everyone to be ‘Hooray for Lifers!’” she grinned.

Students had mixed feelings to these changes. “Honestly, it’s probably for the best,” said Noah Luch ’20. “I mean, most of the people at this school couldn’t pass the SSAT if they tried, so this will let a lot more qualified people attend WRA.” Taylor Harper ’21 was not so enthusiastic. “What will I do now? Get another knee surgery?”

Only time will tell how these changes will affect the school, but it can only be hoped they will result in an altogether smarter, more capable, and more highly ranked WRA.

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