Geothermal Unit Upgraded to Nuclear Power Plant

With the renovations of our beloved Seymour, a new so-called “geothermal unit” has been installed. However, with the brilliant detective work of the SAC (Secret Agent Committee), this claim has turned out to be an utter lie. The school’s commitment to cleaner heating and cooling systems has taken on another level of intensity. The SAC has discovered that our innocent little geothermal unit is actually…. a nuclear power plant.

Nuclear power plants are very fancy plants that produce energy through photosynthesis! Their green leaves utilize sunlight and the power of joy to produce atom-splitting energy that could produce enough energy to power a billion schools! Due to its close proximity to our own Wilson science building, the plant has ample students available to feed and water it. They also observe the plant to learn about biology and nuclear physics simultaneously. The relationship between the young scientists and the nuclear power plant is entirely mutually symbiotic. The plant is thriving and so is the students’ intellect.

Though the discovery of the plant turned out to be a positive addition to the lawn’s wide sweep, many of the student body is quite angry at the administration for lying about what laid beneath Seymour Hall. “I just don’t understand why they would hide Laurent [a common nickname for the amazing plant], for he has been nothing but helpful to the school,” one student remarked. The administration released an official statement that they lied because plants such as Laurent are incredibly coveted and public knowledge that such a plant lay on WRA’s campus would put the school in a dangerous position. Yet nothing has gone wrong thus far. I suppose all we can do is hope that our good luck will continue and no one will try to steal the plant that is slowly becoming the school’s new mascot!

– Hanley Jaffa-Cake ’19

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  • The Reserve Record
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    Hudson, OH 44236