The Eggplant: To Free or Not to Free?

In the weeks following Top Field Soccer Club’s victory over their long-time rival Cleveland Montessori, the student body has been awaiting the traditional day-off given after a team goes undefeated. While the team had only two games, both against Montessori High School, students have been eagerly awaiting that beautiful morning meeting announcement. One student even went so far as to claim that “When Mr. Burner makes that announcement, Jesus himself will rise from the organ pipes and save us all.” There has also been a noticeable drop in attendance to classes before each morning meeting in the hopes of a day off. 50% of the student body has stopped showing up at all. The excitement introduced many students to religion. People are even calling it the “Third Great Awakening.” Students now gather in the pews of the chapel daily, praising God in the hopes that he will send angels from Heaven to save us all from the agony that resides in a 75 minute math class. A student who frequently attends such meetings remarked, “We usually sing songs from the Chapel Hymnal, ending with the Alma Mater and “Blessings” by Chance the Rapper.”

While some might chalk this up to being “absolutely ridiculous” and “completely unnecessary,” these meetings bring up important questions such as: Who is God? Does he love us? If he does why are the dining hall memes not funny? Why isn’t every day a day off? While these questions may never have answers, our community has come together to ask them anyway.

Students have come forth claiming to have studied acient texts or artifacts that have pointed to when the day off will be. One student even claimed the day-off was referenced in the Old Testament while another cited the Mayan calendar. So far, these predictions have been incorrect, as evidenced by the groaning at the end of each morning meeting. These predictions have many students preemptively not doing homework for classes, leaving many weeks behind on homework. As a member of the WRA community I believe we need to come together and do what’s important for the rest of our lives. While a lot can be learned in class, a lot more can be learned by doing nothing. As seen during study hours in North, doing nothing sharpens the mind of the student.

I believe this lifestyle should be adopted by more of us and beg Christopher Burner to save us all with a free day.

-Arthur Aubergine ’00

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