The Eggplant: The Price of Mail

A recent study by the afternoon sport Independent Research showed that checking your student mailbox at school is just like checking your phone for a text. The study revealed that 72% of students check their mailbox every day, and 57% of students check it more than once a day. One member of Independent Research stated, “Our resources are built on a strong foundation as well. We have observers on the clock during every period of the day, and they casually watch the people passing by to see if they checked their mailboxes. After school, while other students throw balls around, we’re bringing scientific data to life. All four of us in the sport analyze the results and make a bunch of pie charts and stuff. It’s really high tech.”

Along with presenting their findings, they include advice in the conclusion. The majority of them suggest that when we walk the downstairs Seymour hall, we shield our eyes from looking at the mailboxes. One of the researchers explained, “It’s simple. Out of sight, out of mind. If you need support, have a friend help you cover your eyes for you. The buddy system always works.”

When hearing about this, many students and faculty scoffed at the idea. Others took the situation to Twitter and Snapchat, sending out pictures of them next to their student mailbox with the caption: “My mailbox, my choice. @IndependentResearchSport #boycott #subtweet.”

However, the amount of concerning incidents have been increasing within the past month. One sophomore was heard yelling, “Aw, darn it! I got nothing in mine.” A more aggressive case was that a student was also seen putting notes in random mailboxes asking them to leave something in his mailbox to return the favor. One senior confesses, “Sometimes, I’m walking towards my school mailbox and I see candy. I get really excited, but then I realize it’s in the mailbox next to mine.”

One teacher noticed the effect these addicting cubbies have had on the high schoolers. She exclaimed, “Last week, some of my students came into class giving me mean looks and the silent treatment. Apparently, I told them I would return their tests in their mailbox, but I never got around to doing it.”

The situation grew to a new level of danger yesterday. One junior, who could not keep his jealousy in, cried, “Why don’t people check their mailboxes more often? All the mailboxes around me are filled to the point where you can’t put anything else in it! You don’t see me trying to show off how much mail I get!”

After a lengthy ten minutes of consideration, the Western Reserve Academy administration promptly decided to destroy the mailboxes. Student protesters rose shortly chanting, “We want mail! We want mail!” Seeing this outburst, administration halted their actions and are now trying to solve the problem instead of removing it. They said if they do find a solution, students will be able to find the information in their student mailboxes.

-Arthur Aubergine ’00

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