The Eggplant: Boys Cross Country Overcome Great Hardship

Disclaimer: “The Eggplant” is a satirical, fictional column written by the staff of the Reserve Record.

BREAKING – The Boys Cross Country team narrowly wins the Tiffin Invitational meet in the category of “Midwestern Co-Ed Suburban Based College Preparatory Based Boarding School with Enrollment of 350-450.”  Former coach and language faculty member James Fraser is said to have made an appearance at the meet, which inspired the boys to run their hardest.

At the following morning meeting, current coach Anthony Baldridge made a tear-wrenching speech. He stated that “These boys ran hard. They ran fast. Even when their bodies could no longer go, they ran. Some of the Varsity guys ran through injuries and ran through the the signs their bodies gave them to stop. They knew that even if they wanted to stop and have a younger guy substitute in for them, they couldn’t, because the sport doesn’t work that way.” He concluded the speech with a heartfelt message to the student body: “What these boys did, their great show of selflessness, should make you proud to wear green and white every Monday and Friday.” He then asked all members of Boys XC to stand and be recognized by the collective community. Resounding applause filled the chapel.

After morning meeting, the campus buzzed with excitement about the success of the XC team. One Freshman said, “It’s great that we have such a strong Boys Cross Country team. I came from a really big public school, and, as everyone knows, there is a really strong tradition of Friday Night Cross Country Meets. Everyone gets decked out in their spirit wear and stands around the course cheering on the superstar athletes of the school. It’s a really social thing and I thought I would have to give that up when I came to Reserve. I mean, we don’t run against the hardest teams, but it’s still fun.”

The team has faced some criticism, however. A Senior, who wishes to remain anonymous, said “It’s really frustrating being around them [the boys XC team]. When they come into the weight room, all wearing those matching ‘Gang of Goons’ shirts and slamming around weights that are too heavy, it just makes me sick. And it’s like they don’t even care about their upper bodies at all, all they do is legs and cardio.”

In other news, football has been banned from the whirlpool until further notice.

-Arthur Aubergine ‘00

One Response to “The Eggplant: Boys Cross Country Overcome Great Hardship”
  1. Levin says:



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